One of the most rewarding parts of my time in Afghanistan was when we were able to invite the the young ladies from Free to Run onto the base to run. These young women show strength and determination in a setting I could never imagine. These women want change. They need change. The are looking for something that is their own in a country that doesn’t want to let them and in a world that wishes they could.
I came home from Afghanistan with dreams and those dreams altered and shifted course, but never at any point did I ever believe they were not possible. I am a mother of four incredible humans, two of which are perfectly strong girls. I will nurture and care for all of them as long as they will let me. I pray daily to be the role model they deserve and when I do misstep they have the grace and patience to forgive and learn from me.
As part of my journey home, and hopefully someday in conjunction with an Ironman (I just can’t let it go. Dreams and goals are what keep us going and give us a reason to get up! I’m not giving up on mine), I committed to race for the charity She Can Tri. This charity was founded by a friend, Jackie Faye, who I served with in Afghanistan. She is an amazing women who is doing great things for women who really need it. The current focus of her charity is to train Afghanistan’s first women triathletes in partnership with Free to Run. They have their sights set on competing in the 2020 IRONMAN 70.3 World Championship in Taupo, New Zealand. I want to be part of their journey and help get them the funds they need to reach their dreams.
While I am racing and wearing my She Can Tri suit there are always people cheering me on screaming, SHE CAN TRI. The support I receive from strangers is inspiring. This triathlon season has been a season of rebuilding my base. I was talking to a friend of mine who is struggling with injury and can’t train like he would like. We talked about having to train for where we are today. I thought I would have Eugene and be back in half Ironman shape this fall. The reality is, I’m not there. I’m not even sure I will be there next year. My life is full of conflicting priorities and this one needs to fall to the bottom. I am thankful to be able to run hard and the rest will come. I will continue to tri, but I need to be realistic about where I am at today. I need to embrace my current situation and nurture what works today and tomorrow will come.
I am blessed to live in a country which allows me to raise my girls to believe they can do anything. The opportunities for them are basically endless. They will never have to wonder if they have the support to do what they dream. Timyra has already started her triathlon career. She always knew she could tri and is out there TRIng her little heart out. I want to ensure she will always be able to pursue her heart without adversity. She may never know the hardships of the Afghan women, but I will do whatever I can to teach her so she can appreciate her fortune. She knows the stories of these women and will race to raise money for their dreams.
My girls are also fortunate enough to have an amazing male role model in their life who supports them in everything they do. TJ is always there for all his girls. He takes amazing care of the three of us. He is always cheering for us even when he’s not standing right there at the finish. Sometimes he can’t be there because he’s home taking care of the little ones, but he’s always thinking of us and cheering for us from afar. The majority of women in Afghanistan are not supported by the men in their life. They TRI, but they do not have the support to lift them up and keep them TRI-ing.
All of us have a try in us and we need to embrace it. The effort of trying has the ability to get us far. If you don’t even start and try you’ll never know what you can do. For these Afghan women they tried and look what they are working to accomplish. Please look into your heart and consider giving to a cause I truly believe in. These girls need us to make their dreams come true. Follow this link to She Can Tri to contribute. Timyra and I are out there TRI-ing for them and hope you will TRI too!
A year ago today I returned home after being gone for over thirteen months. My sister and I were able to pull off a super surprise. My family thought I was coming home the following week, so when I walked down the stairs at my sister’s house everyone was shocked.
I’ve been back a year, but I still say I just returned. What I’m learning talking to my friends who served there with me is, you can take us out of Afghanistan, but you will never fully take the Afghanistan out of us. Afghanistan certainly left a tattoo on my heart and as I age it will sag and fade, but it will always be there. From my last post, I’m still wearing my bracelet with no intention of taking it off.
On July 4th 2018 I had the next year planned. We had multiple camping trips booked. I was racing with the pinnacle to be the Ironman in October. In the middle of all that I would return to my civilian job. In the spring, TJ and I were going to take a trip to Spain and Italy just the two of us. And I’m sure we would end the year taking some great camping trips with our family of five!
I also said when I came back I would keep writing and I did write a few times over the last year, but not as often as I thought I would. I’ve missed this blog and I am making a commitment right now to write more often. I am not making any promises of what more often is, but more than eight times in a year. I do want to write about the day Eugene was born, but I’ll get there another day. However, Eugene Daniel was born fast and furious at 1:39 am on April 2nd. He was born only a few hours after I posted my last blog post. He’s happy healthy and the perfect addition to our crazy family.
There is certainly still a pull on my heart to become an Ironman, but I’m letting that wait for another day. The reality is, it’s just not in the cards this year and probably not next year either. But what I need to remind myself is that Ironman will always be there and despite not achieving that particular goal I had a really amazing year. I may not have heard the words “Darchelle You Are an Ironman,” but I should still be proud of what this year morphed into.
I am extremely proud to be the mother of four. Our life has turned super crazy, but I love every minute. I can’t get enough of their smiles and laughter. I am proud watching Timyra as she turns nine next week, becoming a strong independent young woman who will conquer the world as an amazing adult. She makes solid well informed decisions and works hard at everything she does. Her courage and work ethic would make most adults look bad.
I am proud watching Timothy at the age of six. He is the sweetest boy, who always takes others feelings into consideration. He broke his arm over Labor Day weekend while we were camping. All he was concerned about was making sure his brother and sisters never broke their arms. He apologized because we had to come home from camping early. He works harder than anyone on the soccer field, playing with the eight year old boys and often practicing so hard he makes himself sick.
I am proud to watch Taylyn at the age of four out wit and outlast just about everyone. Her confidence and independence is unmatched. She is a handful, but I will never be afraid sending her out into the world. She will take any bull by the horns and tell it who is boss!
I am proud watching Eugene as he grows and changes everyday. He completes our family and makes all of us better. He teaches us patience and I believe he will keep me young. At only three months old, we are still getting to know each other, but I can’t wait to truly meet the sweet boy we created.
I spent this 4th of July running fourteen miles on the 4th. I enjoyed the time to reflect on this last year and let go of what I missed and truly love what I have. Not only did we add to our family, but I passed my Project Management certification exam and I was selected for promotion in the Navy. Not a bad year at all!
What I want to remind you today is we all have our Ironmans. Replace Ironman with the thing you want to accomplish, yet continually seems to be just out of reach. You should always be proud of the effort you put towards each and every goal you set. You also need to remember you may not have heard you are an Ironman, but you heard something else just as great and don’t let that be overshadowed. I can’t say I’m an Ironman, but I can say this….
Darchelle You are a Project Management Professional!
Darchelle You Are a Commander in the United States Navy!
Darchelle You Are a Mom of Four!
Darchelle You Are a Wife!
Darchelle You Are Loved, Respected, and Awesome and don’t forget that!
And I’m all these amazing things even without my Ironman, and you are too!
Today is a day full of jokes and crazy antics and from the beginning of this pregnancy I’ve felt like April First would be the day he was born. I’m not sure he will come today, however I really hope he does. With the other three I never made it to thirty-nine weeks, and today I’m thirty-nine week and one day. This baby boy has been doing things his own way from the beginning and he continues to do things his way.
Last week my oldest two were on spring break. Obviously, we were not able to take them anywhere for spring break because I needed to be close to home just in case. We are fortunate enough to have amazing family who made their spring break great. They spent the first part of the week in Lake Geneva with my Aunt Ann and Uncle Kevin and then the second part of the week in Milwaukee with my Aunt Tammy and Uncle Jeff. I am so thankful they were able to take the kids for the week and give them a really great spring break, because I couldn’t.
As a side effect of the kids being gone for the week, I was able to get some rest. I took a minute to breath and take care of myself. Although the week was very strange and I had no idea what to do with myself most of the time, I certainly prefer to be busy all the time rather than have nothing to do. I am so used to taking care of someone else all the time and I went from that to no one. I really was lonely and missed the kids like crazy. I know things are about to get even crazier, yet this week gave me a moment to reset and make sure we are ready for our next addition.
In the hopes of giving this baby an eviction notice I went for a “walk” every morning. By walk, I really mean, I ran a half mile and then walked until the song I was listening to ended and then ran again. For the most part this last week the weather has been amazing and it was nice to be outside and still running. As a side effect of my daily run / walks my March overall mileage was higher than it had been since December. I can’t tell you how much being able to run has helped me with this pregnancy. I struggled accepting what pregnancy was doing to my body, but I was still able to keep part of myself by running all the way until the end.
Since baby is still cooking on April 1st, I started the month with my run / walk combo. Two years ago on April 1st I ran a marathon. Last year I ran with my friends in Afghanistan for our weekly themed run and this year I made it through four miles running trying to get this baby out of me.
This last year has been full of huge life changes. Our lives have moved in many directions and we’ve pivoted in ways we never thought we would. The thing is I wouldn’t change any of it and I am so thankful for everything we have. As a small side note, and probably why I’m writing this blog post in the first place is, I still feel like I just came back from Afghanistan and I’m not sure when I won’t. Nine months is certainly not enough time and I don’t know how much time will. I thought when I finished the Ironman that would be the moment, the pinnacle, the time when I could say I’m back and not “just back”. As a matter of fact, I have a bracelet a boy scout gave me as I was leaving North Carolina to go to Afghanistan that I’m still wearing. I said I would take it off once I finished the Ironman. When I crossed that finish line I could leave Afghanistan behind and remove the bracelet. I’ve said it so many times, Timyra and Timothy even talk about it. The thing is I don’t know when I’ll be ready to take off the bracelet and be able to say I didn’t just leave Afghanistan. I certainly don’t know when the Ironman will part of my life again, so that is probably not the time. But when you see the bracelet, don’t ask, I tell the kids not to. Just let me have it there and I promise I’ll take it off when I’m ready. Maybe I’ll be ready when little man number four arrives and maybe not. What I do know is I’m super excited to meet him. I would be even happier if he showed his face today. Come out little man, I think April Fool’s Day would be the perfect birthday for you, I hope you agree! I guess we’ll just have to wait and see!
All holiday season I was asked a similar question over and over, all having the same meaning. “Are you happy to be home?” “Doesn’t it feel good to be home this year?” “You have to be happy that you are home this year.” Of course, my answer to all of these questions was a very strong and resounding, YES!
But here is the thing, I am happy to be home. I wouldn’t trade one moment at home with my family for anything else. Yet, this holiday season brought about a sadness and strangeness I had never known before. I was truly sad for my fellow service men and women deployed over the holidays. I know the feeling of just getting through the day, knowing that when you wake up the following morning there will be nothing special about that day and you are happy the holiday has passed. Knowing you are one day closer to going home and knowing there is one less day you’ll miss the memories everyone is making without you. My heart hurt for them.
There was extra pain and sadness because the weeks leading up to and after Christmas were especially violent in Afghanistan. Every time I read an article stating we had lost another service member to an Insider Attack or another improvised explosive device detonating killing more innocent victims, I cried a little more inside. Before my deployment, I never bothered to watch the news or read about a country on the other side of the world. Now I can’t help but be interested.
As a matter of fact, as I wrote this, I read an article about the Taliban’s negotiations this week in Qatar with the U.S. News stories like this give me hope, but I am hesitant to be too hopeful. I have seen what it’s like there and the fact that the Taliban are talking to the U.S.A, but the President of Afghanistan was not there, makes a strong statement on how this will go. The Taliban has also stated they want the U.S out of Afghanistan and there is a six-month flexible timeline to determine the U.S. exit plan. All of this could lead to progress, BUT…. I feel like BUT has been Afghanistan’s history and I’m hoping this will have a happy ending! Although I am not convinced it will. To help with happy endings, in early December TJ and I took a trip to Louisville for a long weekend. It happened to be around our wedding Anniversary, so it was extra nice to get away and spend time together. We had a great time just being together without the kids and being able to simply be alone together. Prior to that trip, our last night alone was when I came back in February of 2018 and we spent the night downtown Chicago when we went to see Hamilton.
An extreme added bonus to our trip was a good friend of mine who I served with in Afghanistan was also there for the weekend. Chris was there with his brother and father-in-law. Being able to see him was important to me for two reasons. One, and probably most importantly, was that I needed to see a friend of mine from Afghanistan not in The Stan. It was important to spend time together outside of a war zone and just be in the normal world together. The other important element of this trip was I wanted TJ to meet someone I spent my time with over the year we were apart. I wanted to bring him into a small part of that world. It was important for me to have him meet a friend from the year in my life he missed to help make it more real. The old saying, put a name with a face!
What else I know has a happy ending was how we spent our holidays. I was able to stay home for almost two weeks with my babies and I went for runs with my friends. The very best part was that I was home with my loved ones. We spent our Christmas Eve in our traditional way. A few years ago, we started ordering Chinese Food, Christmas Story style, for dinner. This year the kids all participated in the Christmas pageant at the Christmas Eve Mass. Then we went home and had a movie night where we watched Home Alone. Home Alone is a classic I remember watching often when I was Timyra’s age. All the time we were making memories together instead of half a world apart.
The memory making hit me the hardest last week Sunday. We were stuck inside all weekend due to extreme cold temperatures. To help burn off excess energy we had a family evening dance party. Some how I was able to embarrass TJ while dancing the Macarena in our own home, that speaks wonders to my dancing skills. Despite the questionable dancing, we were all laughing, being loud and just making memories. As I sat down to watch the chaos, which is my life, I started to cry. I was overjoyed just BEING HOME!
This blog post has been on my mind for weeks now, and I think it’s time to write. With each pregnancy I’ve struggled with what it does to my body. When I gain weight I struggle a lot and not only that, I am really uncomfortable for the majority of the pregnancy. I start out by feeling sick and then my back and finally my whole body hurts most of the time. I’ve never enjoyed being pregnant and pregnancy number four is no exception.
I have spent the majority of the last nine years giving my body over to another human being. I spent almost ten months pregnant and then another year nursing for each baby. I go through ten months of gaining weight while pregnant, to a year of losing it again while feeding another human from my own body. Between each baby I tried to race when I could at whatever I could fit in.
Following Taylyn, for the first time in what felt like forever, I was back. I had officially recovered from a five year injury. I was able to run more miles than I ever had and faster than I ever could. I was biking and swimming again. I was trained and ready to finish an Ironman, the race of my dreams. Most importantly for me, I loved my body again and it was just mine. I was running without a shirt and I felt comfortable. I was at my high school weight, only as an adult I had real muscles and true endurance.
When surprise baby number four came, I certainly felt blessed that I will be mother again, but I still struggle with what pregnancy does to me physically. I look at pictures from the summer and pictures from today and feel disgusted. I dream of what I looked like in July and what my body could do.
I was talking a friend of my mine from work, Beth, and she said you need to own this. You need to know how amazing pregnancy is and how well you pull it off. My logical self knows that today I am in better shape than the majority. I can run faster and farther. I’m swimming more and biking some (I could bike more, but I could always bike more). I just know what I could do six months ago and I could do it not looking like a sausage squeezed into a casing. To prove this point, I did a five mile turkey trot on Thanksgiving. The race ended up a hill and then a mile to the finish. As I was running up the hill at mile four, a younger girl passed me and said, “Good Job, you can do this!” All I could think was I used to be the one passing. I used to be the one saying good job to everyone. Now I’m the old, large lady getting passed while the more fit pass me with words of encouragement.
And again, I know I’m pregnant and I’m supposed to be slower. I know in three months I will be able to work my way back to Ironman shape. I’ve already put together my training plan for 2019, which already includes at least three half marathons, a sprint triathlon, an Olympic distance triathlon, a 70.3 Ironman, and a marathon. My training starts the first week of May, which gives me twenty weeks to the 70.3 Ironman. Of course all of this depends on delivery and recovery going well, but I can only plan to that. My glass is always three-quarters full, so I’m planning for the best.
My logical self truly believes I’m beautiful and in shape. My logical self knows this is temporary and amazing. My logical self loves what I see in the mirror. The unfortunate part and the I’m sure the part that makes most roll their eyes, is my everyday self does not. I hate getting dressed each morning, I have nothing that fits. I REALLY hate putting on my swimming suit to swim. I walk as quickly as I can from locker room to pool and back. Stepping on the scale ruins my week.
What I can say is everyday I make a true effort to love the body I have today. I am thankful and love what my body can do. I try to remember when I’m not racing I am creating or feeding another human. I should be proud and I try very hard to be. Beth’s words go through my mind often reminding me to OWN IT! And she is right, I do need to OWN THIS! I need to enjoy these months more than I’m letting myself. Actually as I write this number four just kicked me and I smiled knowing how wonderful this time is. I may struggle everyday to appreciate my body, but I am trying. I truly believe you should all embrace yourself, wherever you are at, and OWN IT!!
For Veteran’s Day I was asked by American Legion Post 771-Gurnee to be their guest speaker. When I was asked everything in me wanted to say no. Since I’ve been back and probably always, I really don’t like being recognized as being in the Navy. I am proud of my service, but I don’t need others to know or recognize me. I’ve never been one to enjoy wearing my uniform places other than to work. I was telling Timyra the other day, I would prefer being recognized for the races I’ve run than my time in the Navy. When I give my elevator speech I talk about the work I do at Life Fitness, my role as a mother, the time I spend training, and then if there is time I will give a brief summary of the Navy. I just prefer it that way.
Although what I learned before and after my speech was this was not about me. My service today and the recognition I receive is for those who served after me. It is to ensure they are not forgotten and has nothing to do with me. Before I spoke a Vietnam Era Navy Veteran, Bob, came up to me and introduce himself. He mentioned he served in Vietnam as a Cryptologic Technician. My dad happened to also serve during a similar time period also as a Cryptologic Technician. My dad happens to be VERY proud of his two years of service, I would say much prouder than I’ll ever be of myself, yet after talking to Bod I started to understand why. These men and women feel forgotten and identify strongly with the Navy. My identity does not revolve around the Navy, but for them it changed them in away they can never let go of.
As I was speaking some of these men and women were crying. They stood for me when I was finished. I had so many come up to me afterwards and thank me for giving a new perspective to an old subject. One of the little boys came to me and said, “that man didn’t do a very good job, but you did great!” I may not have the same pride these Veterans have in their service, but I was proud of the message I was able to share with them. I always will put on my uniform, even if I complain a little, for people like Bob and anyone who is willing to listen to me!
Below is the speech I gave that day!
Alan thank you for the kind introduction. Happy Veteran’s Day to all the Veteran’s especially those who are actively serving in a combat zone. And a special thanks to those Veteran’s in our audience.
It truly is my honor to be here today speaking to all of you and to know you are here willing to listen.
I am sure many of you sitting out there believe, that since I am a woman, you will hear what it is like to serve in the military as a woman. Even I, as the woman, I feel I am obligated to speak about what it has been like serving in a male dominated field. I’m supposed to speak about my challenges and how I overcame them. To say look how strong and successful I am today, despite adversity. Then I am obligated to talk about how this changed me, and I am so thankful for the experience. And lastly, about how I want to inspire all the women after me to pursue their dreams and never let their gender get in their way!
I do believe women should pursue their dreams, but I don’t believe they should because they are woman. I really don’t believe their gender gets in their way. I believe our genders, male and female, can be an asset we leverage to make ourselves great. I know my time in the Navy working with men has changed me and made be stronger, but I don’t believe gender has to be the factor that sets my success apart. Everyone should be afforded the opportunity to follow their dreams. At no point in my military career did I feel my gender kept me from pursuing mine. I’ve thought about this a lot and I wondered why this is. When I hear other woman speak of discrimination, I don’t see my experience the same way. My memories of my time in the service are not littered with moments of when I had to overcome serious moments of discrimination. Of course, there were times when men acted inappropriate, but it was so few and far between it never tainted my perspective or discouraged me from continuing to be me. The name I give this is authentic confidence.
A mentor of mine, from early on in my career, who also happened to be male, told me to never stop being a woman. Men and woman are different, and they are supposed to be. It is ok and completely natural. By nature, I am not a man, and this means there are things I am not as good at as a man, but there are so many things I can do better. When we work together we bring the best of ourselves to the table working towards the best results. I have tried throughout my professional career to embrace my femininity and stay true to myself. I was confident in who I am and through my authenticity and confidence I was able to thrive in a situation where historically I wasn’t supposed to.
Compared to many, I have a different perspective on the topic of women doing what is typically considered “a man’s job.” Although I believe since I am a woman who has spent her entire professional career in male dominated careers I have a good perspective of what it takes. To illustrate my perspective, I want to share a story of a conversation I had with a fellow Sailor while I was in Afghanistan.
Most Sundays we didn’t have to report to work until after lunch, so to break up the monotony, a group of us would get together and run. To mix things up, many of the runs were themed and we would dress up and there were always Oreos to snack on afterwards. These runs were away for us to spend time outside of work with our fellow service members and forget about where we were, even if for just a few minutes.
While we were running I was chatting with a few of our fellow runners. One of the runners was a submariner. We were talking about women on subs. When I commissioned, in 2005, women were not allowed on subs. This did not upset me in any way. I had no desire to serve on a submarine. As a matter of fact, during the summer following my freshman year of college, the Navy sent me to Norfolk, VA to spend one week with each of the potential communities we could commission into. All of us went to a sub and spent one week underway on the boat. As I entered the hatch to board the submarine I wanted to turn right around and leave. There was nothing in the community that appealed to me.
While we were running we were also talking about National Women’s Day and women doing jobs traditionally held by men. I do believe women should be able to do whatever job they want to and have a passion for. What irritates me about women’s rights events and things like National Women’s Day is the motivation behind what these activists are doing. The question I always ask is, what are we really celebrating on days like National Women’s Day? Do we need to draw attention to these differences, or could we embrace them instead? If you are becoming a submariner (or insert any career) because all your life all you wanted to do was become a submariner, I am very happy for you and I wish you the best of luck on your pursuit to break down barriers. If you are becoming a submariner because you want to prove to someone else that you are capable of doing something, then don’t. Your heart is not in it and you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. To be successful you must stay true to yourself and maintain your authentic confidence. If you are not being true to yourself, you will never be confident in your abilities and what you are pursuing. Just because I didn’t want to be a submarine officer didn’t mean I couldn’t, I didn’t have the passion. I simple had the motivation to pursue another career. As a submariner I would not have been able to be authentic to myself. Therefore, I wouldn’t have the confidence to break down the barriers required. I wanted to apply my skills and passion somewhere else. I didn’t have the drive or desire to make that my career. I have nothing to prove, I know if I wanted to I could have, there was just something I wanted to do more.
During my seven years on active duty I found a lot of success. I left my first ship as the number one Surface Warfare Officer and stood toe to toe if not half a toe ahead of my male counterparts. Along with my success as a Surface Warfare officer and obtaining my necessary qualification I was also there to support the Sailors who worked for me. By nature, women tend to be more compassionate and patient than men. When situations would arise in my division, my Chief Petty Officer often would lean on me to deal with these delicate scenarios. These were situations involving families, suicide, and other more personal matters. I was an asset to the team outside of just my day to day job. If I had left my famine nature at the door when I went to work, I never would have been able to contribute in the way they needed me too.
I want to challenge all of you to look inside and really think about what it is that is motivating you. Are you too motivated by outside influences that you have lost your true motivation? Is it time to stop pursuing something because you are only on that path to prove something to someone else? Have you lost your own motivation and is it time to find that internal spark again? Lastly and I think most importantly, remember, just because you don’t have the desire to change the world doesn’t mean you don’t have the internal passion to do something great. You don’t have to want to be the next FIRST to do something. You just need to find your IT, the thing that makes you, YOU. The thing that allows you to be true to yourself and I promise the motivation to succeed will come naturally. Your confidence will be there to break any and all barriers that stand in your way. Be great at what you love and not what you should love or what someone else thinks you should love. BE YOU, AND BE MOTIVATED, BY YOU!! Be authentic and confident in all your endeavors and you will never fail or at least you will never fail in being you!
Today, October 14th, was the day I planned for over two years. The day I would finally hear the words, “Darchelle, You Are An Ironman!” I registered for this race in October of 2016 and the week following my resignation I found out I had to go to Afghanistan for a year. Ironman allowed me to defer my race entry for one year and I was re-registered for today October 14th, 2018. The problem is, this morning while everyone else races, there is a race packet with numbers no one picked up. That race packet belongs to me. It will be impossible for me to hear, “Darchelle, You Are An Ironman,” today. As others race and hear those words about themselves, my bike sits in my basement on its stand still with stickers from my last race in August. The shoes I planned to run the marathon in are in in their box unworn and my wet suit, I purchased in 2016, remains lost somewhere in my house.
Yesterday I ran during Timyra’s swim practice and about a mile into the run I was overcome with emotions as I thought about not racing today. I, for the first time since I knew I wouldn’t race today, mourned the loss. I put in a solid year of training in less than ideal circumstances in Afghanistan. I got up early mornings all summer to swim and worked long bike rides around a family who had missed me for over a year. The loss of this race required a moment and I gave it about thirty seconds of tears while I ran through the cold. Then I was back and ready to finish my run with gratitude I am still running and extreme gratitude for why I can’t race today.
After Taylyn was born TJ and I decided we were done having babies permanently. So we made it a permanent decision. Yet what we learned in August is nothing is absolute. Three and a half years after his vasectomy, it reversed itself and TJ is fully functioning again. God had other plans for us, and Ironman wasn’t it for me. As of today I am 15 weeks pregnant and that is not how I want to do Ironman. One, if anything went wrong at any point during this pregnancy I would never be able to forgive myself. And secondly, when I do Ironman, I want to race it. I want to give everything I have that day and leave it all out there. I want it to be between me and my body along conquering the swim, bike, and run. I want to get off that bike and run a marathon, not just get through it. I lost a lot of training days in August because I felt awful. Ultimately, my primary focus right now needs to be this miracle baby and making sure I do everything in my power to ensure it comes into the world healthy and strong.
Please don’t miss read what I just wrote. After a day of shock, TJ and I are ecstatic about welcoming another little one to our family. As I stated before, I had not taken the time to properly mourn the loss of this race. The race I had put a lot of me into. Training for this race is what distracted me and motivated me through the year I was away. Without this race, the year in Afghanistan would have been very different and I owe my resiliency from deployment to my training.
Because I started this pregnancy in the best shape of my life I am able to do things this time around I couldn’t do with the others. I am still running over one hundred miles a months at a pace that many consider fast. I continued to run with my track group and do hard workouts on Wednesdays. I have been racing. I did a sprint triathlon and took twentieth over all. And don’t forget about my famous Croc race, which was done while pregnant. When I got home from that race TJ joked, barefoot, pregnant, and running. I am swimming at least one day a week and putting in solid swim workouts of 3000 meters. The one thing I stopped was biking and I know I should get on my trainer. This just comes down to the fact that I hate biking.
This weekend, instead of racing, I ran and spent the time with my family. I took my kids with my mom and niece to a pumpkin patch. I spent the afternoon cooking. I enjoyed the fall days and I am just happy with my little growing family. I remember when TJ had his vasectomy my Aunt Ann asked me if I was sure we were done, and I said yes, but felt no. My girlfriend Lori, told me that four makes more sense than three and she wished she had four. These moments were always in the back of my mind and something in me always felt like four was what we were supposed to have. Clearly God made the decision for us, even if we may have made another.
I want to leave you with a thought from my eight year old. Which, by the way the kids are super excited for another baby. She told me that God had a decision. He could choose Ironman or baby. He decided baby, because Ironman will always be there for you to race, but it is time to have another baby now. I can’t agree with my little girl more! Can’t wait to meet you number 4!